Dallas hops on The Porny Express

There is a city in Texas that more than any others conjurers images of Amerikana. Football players (doing drugs), cheerleaders (on drugs), and (drug filled) cherry pie.
Okay, maybe El Paso is a bigger hub for drug trafficking, but when we think of eccentric, wealthy people who are just barely holding onto their marbles, we think of...

But this aint no game. This is real. Everyday means something, and until you figure out who shot JR you are just gonna have to keep pounding them hard Dallas streets, living your life as you desire, just as any emancipated, sex-positive, human-powered person would, with or without drugs.

But Sunday is special. On that day of rest we are gonna get so fucking active! We have a really amazing venue right downtown with really good seats. Only thing is its pretty tight. Better get there early.

7pm Cocktail Reception with Local Performance Artists and Introduction by the curator of this Erotic Bicycle Film Festival.

With Performances by The Amazing Boobzilla!

8:30pm Theatre Doors Close. Bicycle Porn Begins. Yes, porn. Sex & Bikes & Sexy Bike People. Theatre seating for 30 people with a small amount of extra room for those who are okay sitting on the floor.

10pm Afterparty at Absinthe Lounge

*SPACE IS VERY LIMITED
*21 & Up ONLY. $10 suggested donation, no one turned away.
*One Night Only

https://www.facebook.com/events/516225038484623/

This is our first ever screening in Dallas, make it count!

Austin on The Porny Express

Austin is the original "Keep _something_ weird" and sometimes is called the Portland of the South. It has been bucking the trends of conservative Texas for a long time. Now after years of struggle for a slice of the streets we are witnessing the emergence of bikesexuals everywhere! From the ATXHBPC hosting the Lingerace, full of bikini clad people riding all over town to more historically reserved groups' understanding and pleading of support we have seen some big changes in our 6 years of visiting the Capitol of Texas.

Plus we have lots of help!

Queer Ride is a local group advocating for "THE HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA" in the most adorable way possible. Looking cute on a bike and helping either other be safe and seen! They are hosting the pre-party where you get to cut and paste your own vision of bikesexuality! Bring some bike mags, bring some porn, bring some scissors or borrow ours. Starts at 6pm and gets you into the show for half off the normal price!  FB event: https://www.facebook.com/events/574223955982394/

The Amazing Boobzilla and David the Goliath make up the dynamic duo from the “Oh No!” Variety Show and will dazzle you with her breasts of destruction! Boobzilla was diagnosed with Gigantomastia at 13 years of age. Instead of sheltering herself from society, she embraced her look and the superhuman powers her mutant boobilities give her. This lovely fear freak can crush your skull with her TITS! She has become famous for training to lift over 200 pounds and even breaking concrete bricks...with nothing but her breasts of steel!

Do The Right Thing, Austin! is a crew dedicated to getting you dancing. Following the films they are taking control of your body with your implicit consent! Expect piles of sweat and possibly no pants as you drive yourself into body shaking ecstasy!
This DJ team that spins fancy Italian disco, degenerate top 40 mash-ups, hipster electro, and especially for this occasion filthy booty grinding hip-hop.
sign up on their FB event page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1396214470628149/

All of this plus The Porny Express is made possible by the fine people at The Spider House Ballroom who are drop kicking the bike love for this fly night!

 

We have had a great run of shows in Austin and we expect many more.

San Antonio on The Porny Express

We had a good run of shows with our friends at Boneshakers in San Antonio. Since last year they have closed their doors and are moving on meaning we gotta move it too! No more shaking the bones, its time to slip somethin into your bottom bracket, if ya know what we're sayin.

The Bottom Bracket Social Club
1603 N Colorado
8pm
$5, +21
Presented by K23 Gallery (soon to be San Antonio's premiere gallery of crazy sex stuff!)

Wiener down!

 

Wiener up!

We only have a few more shows left in this region, make sure your friends know about em!

Jan 17 - Austin - Spiderhouse Ballroom - 2906 Fruth St.

Jan 19 - Dallas - Southside Lamar - 1409 S. Lamar St.  

Feb 1 - Houston - Super Happy Fun Land - 3801 Polk St. 

Galveston on The Porny Express

Its the end of the year as we know it and we feel DAMN fine!

2013 was great to Bike Smut but before we are able to take account of the latest advances in the bikesexual industry we have one final show on a small island in the Gulf of Mexico. For the first time ever Bike Smut is going to Galveson!

Sunday, December 29th

Vanishing Point
2411 Strand St

7pm, $5 donation, 21+

The island's first European construction was a port made in the early 1800s by a French pirate to help the young Republic of Mexico fight the Spanish Armada. Galveston grew to be among the most active ports in the Americas, earning the title, "The Wall Street of the South". Then less than 100 years later the city suffered what is still the United State's most deadly natural disaster when a hurricane killed about a quarter of its inhabitants.

The former Texas financial capitol is not to be confused with Galvatron, the reincarnated spirit of Megatron used by Unicron to take over the Decepticons. (Where in Lenard Nimoy engages in interstellar political warfare on the behalf of Orson Welles who just wants to enjoy his final meal after eating both of Cyberton's moon planets, which certainly was the most deadly event in Transformer history). 

Coincidence? No. Absolutely not.

Houston on the Porny Express

What a haul!

braving multiple swamp, bridge, causeways and police interactions our team of fresh legged bike fucking fanatics made it to Houston!

We thought we might get rained out of NOLA and considering recent history having a show so close to the levy during a torrential downpour might not have been the wisest idea. but fuck it, the dirty south knows how to get by. More than that they know where a hot time is!

So it was grand that we packed in the peeps and had a fine show in the Big Easy.

Now to share a little bike love around Texas!

Houston December 26th
Galveston December 29th
Austin January 17th
Dallas January 19th

maybe San Antonio? Get them feelers out there. Lets make some magic happen!

but first we make the baby jesus weep with our sexy bodies. come take part!

Bike Smut 7: The Porny Express in Houston

Thursday, Dec 26

Notsuoh

314 Main St

9pm

$5-10 suggested donation

https://www.facebook.com/events/481325605322363/

muah!

New Orleans hops on The Porny Express

We are in New Orleans!

The vast quantity and quality of art here astounds! Moreover every person we talk is excited for:

THE PORNY EXPRESS!

Sunday, December 22nd

The Mudlark

1200 Port St, New Orleans, LA
8pm
$5-10 no one turned away

FaceCrack is inviting you

The day after solstice! Get yr awkward churbric baby fat moving and grooving!

Joshua has a pretty worried look on his face...





 
 Some of our own religious symbols...

Go on a Bike Date! WIth any white girl you like!!

We have been slacking in our reporting of bikesexual industry. Here we are facing the end of the calendar season and we are just now getting around to covering our other, other mission. (ya know, after the bikes and sex and independent and combined political stances we also have to nit pick the various ways others would seek to combine them. Serious responsibilities.)

This is a little sad since there is a newcomer to this market. Moreover we haven't seen much in the way of radical politics from the Bikesexual Calendar Industry since we covered PedalFresh's drive to support water rights by objectifying Portland male bikers.

The 2014 Bike Date Calendar depicts women bonding with anthropomorphic cycles in a variety of typical romantic situations including picnicking, drinking, bathing, and going to the movies (we have some suggestions regarding which films to watch with your bicycle).  According to creator Corie Spruill, "Bike Date" is partly a comment on the lack of deep connections between human partners, which Spruill says can be "our biggest frustration with men."

And while it is certainly exciting to see women as active participants in fulfilling their own sexual desires rather than objects we can't help but feel a little disappointed by the selection of models used.

The website states: "After countless women and bicycles have offered her their time and good looks, photographer, Corie Spruill is happy to offer 12 of her favorite "bike date" portraits as a 2014 wall calendar." And yet every single model in the calendar is a pretty damn similar. At first glance we assumed that the same model appeared in multiple shots (this could still be the case and would be a moderately good excuse, actually). The images all depict young, healthy, thin, white cis-women. In fact, only one woman has a haircut that is not mid-length. It is frustrating because while the calendar is a fundraiser to "empower voice and value with women in conflict zones" it serves to marginalize the sexuality of non-standard beauty. Moreover it reinforces the maddening stereotype that all bikers are White.*
 

We will forgive this considering the shooting was done entirely in the town of Carbondale, Colorado (population < 6,500 people, 85% of which are Caucasian). Moreover if we look at other bikesexual calendars we dont see much variety in ANY of them! Even the venerable Cyclepassion calendar only has 2 Japanese women along with the other 10 women from Germany, Austria and the UK.  To their credit Cyclepassion only uses actual female racers at models and includes photos of them kicking ass on their bikes as well.

Unlike the models, the bicycles in "Bike Date" come in a variety of types. While there are no mutant bikes, we do get to see a selection of glamorous road, mountain, city bikes and even a tandem providing the obvious innuendo for a menage-a-trois.  Absent from the photos are BMX bikes which we have a suspicion they may have eschewed to avoid the connection to pedalphilia. We know how those tiny wheels can attract some interesting characters. (watch "Confessions of a Pedalphile")

Maybe that is the take away message. That despite the value cycling adds to one's life (be it in the form of improved muscular, mental, communal, economic, or sexual health) the majority of people who are on bikes are still pretty damn white. 

Issues of classism (or perhaps just the confluence of racism and transportationsim) aside, the sets, lighting and composition are flawless and fun to look at. On the whole it is an excellent calendar and it helps support a pretty excellent cause.

Rather than spread more time hammering on a group of fun loving bikers let us applaud them for their efforts to champion human powered transportation and their own sexuality. Making a well polished calendar is no small task. We sincerely hope they are able to raise lots of money and awareness about Mountain 2 Mountain and that future bikesexual attempts will work in more intersectionality. If we can't work together we will all just end up like so much road pizza... flat meat. 

 *The all bikers are white stereotype is maddening because, while bikes provide cheap, reliable transport many people in poor communities spend a large percentage of their income on cars which of course loose their value quickly and require a lot of money to maintain. Thus the enticing nature of car culture works to further the status quo. This sterotype also makes existing people of color who do ride bicycles invisible.

Click here to see a brief history of the Bikesexual Industry